Goodbye
by Cherrie
Summary: Kurama+Botan angst fic. Death, a broken promise, a broken heart. Is it the end?


Goodbye   
  
Disclaimers: Yu Yu Hakusho and all the characters mentioned here are under the name of Mr. Yoshiro Togashi and whatever company is handling YYH.   
Notes: A Kurama+Botan fanfic ; Angst ; Revised.   
  
==   
  
The night had been a bitter silence, with only the raging of the winds heard through the darkness of her secluded room, left solely for her to let things settle in. To allow all that has happened to sink inside her. For her to permit herself to another chance, another gamble that would again play with her heart which in turn might give her something more. To numb her memory of everything that had occurred that she might have good ones again. To erase all, to open again the doors she closed after what had happened.   
  
But she couldn't. Much as everybody seemed all too caring for what she felt, she never actually sensed the touch of solace that only -he- could give. Not that she didn't appreciate her friends' effort to have her live life again, it just wasn't enough to give her the necessary push she needed. As far as she could remember, there was only one person who could give her that kind of encouragement and hope. The one person who could keep her up after any defeat. After all the failures.   
  
But he's gone.   
  
She thought everything would be perfect, too perfect that she neglected the thought of what her life has always been about. What her life, her job, had always revolved upon.   
  
Death.   
  
Decades and decades of life experience, she still failed to accept it when it did come to her. She was too naïve, too drowned in her own happiness that she hadn't minded anything else but the positive side of life. Only to learn there isn't much good as there was bad.   
  
And through her melancholy sighs, all she could do to calm herself was to run his name across her lips. To let his name be the blanket to warm her from the bitter cold. The one who made a promise for her. "Kurama…"   
  
…   
  
He was silent, his eyes blank and void of any other thoughts except for the words that emitted from the prince's lips. Through the haze of the man's suddenly deep, mellow voice that ran through his mind, he stole a glance of the familiar figure that stood beside the doorway, her face hidden behind the layer of hair. He watched as she bowed low and left the room.   
  
His eyes softened, feeling his insides, if ever there was any solid one, liquefy just by the sight of her. Even as a spirit she still had that effect on him. Though her eyes had been left concealed from his gaze, he would always remember the intense fire that would emit from it whenever he held her. And with her departure, her back to him, she had left his heart.   
  
And it pained him.   
  
Through the circumstances, there isn't a single regret that he faced with his loss. He did not regret the tears he had made his mother shed when he breathed his last, for he realized that all he had caused her after all were tears amidst the smiles, his lies. He could only wish she'd be happy now that he's gone. His friends will never be a part of his regrets. They have their own lives, and he found no difference now. They haven't seen each other for years, it might as well they'd forget. There were no regrets.   
  
But one.   
  
Never again, he thought. Never again could he hold her in his arms. Never again would her soft hands rest on his own, the only source of real comfort for him. The only place of warmth and solace. The only one who could mend the wounds. Never again will her smile serve as a gentle kiss as she uttered words of her love.   
  
Never again.   
  
"Are you listening, Kurama?" Koenma's voice seems to have crawled its way through his thoughts like a mist in a dream.   
  
Had he listened? Was he listening?   
  
Of course he had. He understood everything. The way his spirit would be in a state of trance before he gets back to his old body. Before he'd be back in his old, rightful home.   
  
To live the life he once had.   
  
The life where he only found sin and despair. A place that is void of solitude and happiness. A place that had been home to greed and malice. His greed. His malice. He had reigned there once.   
  
But right now, he didn't feel like listening anymore.   
  
And after all that, he will forget everything. Everything that had happened when he was human, the life he had, the love he had given and received. He would forget his mother, his family, his friends and foes. He will forget who Shuuichi Minamino is, forget his happiness and tears. But amidst all this, he found no regret. The only regret that burdened his heart was because he'd forget her as well.   
  
The one who had made him who he really is. The one that had made him whole.   
  
"Koenma? Before I go…"   
  
Yet he only caused her tears. And now the river flows down again, breaking her heart from the undying love that they had shared. It was unfair that he'd forget, and she'll remember. If he could, he wanted to hold her.   
  
"…I want to see Botan…"   
  
And yet to hold her will only prolong her pains. Her memory of him. He loved her. He will not cause her pain. No more. Not again.   
  
"…I want to say goodbye."   
  
Maybe it's better this way.   
  
The prince nodded his approval, his feature calm yet his eyes burned with an intense gaze that made him feel warm. A look of sympathy. It should have lowered down his pride, but now that he felt so low, he found no difference. He was on his limit of the lowest point of his life. And there was nothing else that can depress him more. So he welcomed the look and smiled. "Thank you, Koenma."   
  
He found her by a near corner along the corridor, hugging her knees to her chest, her head hidden. He heard no sob, heard no moan. And the silence that she had bestowed scared him.   
  
"You promised you'd never leave."   
  
Guilt had rushed through him at the smallness of her voice, muffled by the material of her kimono. He kneeled down on one knee, his hands shaking, finding only the strength to rest a pale hand on her shoulder. He couldn't find his voice to utter her name. He couldn't move. She had him immobile, with only the intensity of his gaze diving the depths of the scene she had shown him. He tried again. "Botan…"   
  
She looked up to meet his eyes. He need not gasp at the blank gaze she gave him to let her know he was surprised. Surprised at how the spell she had inflicted in him work its wonders. To make him feel so bad he wanted to die again. "You promised."   
  
It was true. He had promised that he would never leave her. He had promised that he would try not to cause her any pain. She had told him everything that she felt, everything that had bothered her heart through all the years. He found that the strong-willed deity had a weak spot. A heart so fragile that he promised to protect.   
  
Only to realize he himself has broken her.   
  
He could feel the tears well up in his eyes as their gazes clashed. He fought them back, wanting his eyes clear of everything. To make him feel the pain of her pain, to inflict the same wounds he had inflicted on her. To see her clear for the last time.   
  
"I'm sorry," he fought to bring his voice out despite the huge lump in his throat, releasing only a small croak. "I'm sorry…" he repeated, to make sure she had heard. It was all he could say, his mind had blacked out on him by the time she filled his eyes. He just wanted her to know.   
  
"I can't forgive you."   
  
He looked deep in her eyes, his own reflecting only sincerity and solitude. "I'm not asking you to," he said, standing up before he could feel himself break down. He lifted his hand at the back of his crimson mane, pulling out a red rose. A thornless red rose. Never in his life had he created a thornless one. That was because he only created the rose to warn danger, the danger of him inflicting pain among others. To cut through the skin of his opponents and foes. The rose of his rage.   
  
But this. This one is for her. A rose of his love.   
  
And that he threw gently at her feet, letting the stem slide down his fingers. "Goodbye," his last word, the last word he could utter. The end of her pain. The beginning of his.   
  
As he walked through the hall, he felt himself grow weak. He felt his heart shattered, leaving him shaking. He felt like a traitor to leave her. A liar to break his promise. And so he felt like she had forgotten him. He felt deserted, forgotten. He felt hated. And yet he felt no regret.   
  
Goodbye wasn't the last word he had intended to give her. It was not the word that would let her know that he still loved her, that after death he would still remember her, even not through his mind. He wanted her to know that he wanted to conquer the risk of forgetting, to blank his memory but that of hers. But she doesn't have to hear those words. It will only cost her further pain.   
  
I love you.   
  
It was better this way.   
  
…   
  
She had wept ever since he left. Ever since he took that first step that led him to his fate. She could still feel the first tear that she had shed, only to be followed by an endless stream that didn't cease to end the rain until now.   
  
She stood up. She wiped the tears and looked out her window, the rose dangling weakly between her fingers. The rose he had given her. It never wilted. It still had its crimson sheen that only represented one thing to her. His promise. A promise that he had kept afterall.   
  
She watched through the haze of clouds a streak of silver as it invaded yet another treasury, a familiar smirk plastered on the kitsune's face as he ran among his horde. He had conquered yet another goal, another dream. And she was happy for him.   
  
But amidst through the celebration that his group had given him, he stood still, letting them go on their way and saying he'll follow. She waited for him, her eyes never leaving his features. And for a second that seemed like forever, he looked up. Through the clouds and mists, their eyes met. She was invisible to him, that she knew, and he doesn't see her. He never will.   
  
But he was keeping his promise.   
  
"I love you."   
  
He hasn't forgotten.   
  
Every single day that was what he uttered. She doubted if he even knew what he was saying, but she was glad. She watched him closed his eyes and turned back to follow his team. She watched until he disappeared behind the clouds.   
  
"I forgive you, Kurama."   
  
It wasn't better, but it will do.   
  
"I love you too…"   
  
The End (I think)


End file.
